I started to learn my trade when at school my music teacher took the recorder off me and thrust a violin into my hands. After some time I was getting quite addicted to the screeching noise it made until at seventeen I joined the Army. Unfortunately my comrades in the barracks didn't share my enthusiasm for the instrument so I only played it when I came home on leave. However, what I think finally ended my dream of being a lead violinist in the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra was when I came home on leave one day and discovered that my six year old brother had been using it for a trampoline. One good thing though is that with my prize possession in pieces I could finally read the faded label that was inside, "Antonio Stradivarius". Oh well.

Back in barracks I was having withdrawal symptoms. I messed about with other lads guitars but didn't quite take to them straight away. Guitars are acceptable in the Army - it's a soldiers instrument. Gun in one hand, guitar on your back. One day I saw somebody playing with what looked like a little guitar who then informed me it was a mandolin. The mandolin is the same as a violin except that you pluck it instead of using a bow.

"Christ", I said "you'd better hide it before you get crowned".

We made friends, but only because I wanted to fondle his instrument. A little later I brought my own mandolin and even the lads accepted me with it, but then that was only because I learned to play the mandolin behind my back. It was a good party trick and they even brought me a beer or two.

Playing music to yourself all day can get boring. Joining a rock band as a mandolin player was unheard of unless it's Rod Stewart's and he already had a mandolin player. I decided to learn guitar so I could join a band. It's also good for your street cred.

As time went on I was asked to play more instrumentals. The mandolin was an excellent instrument for that kind of work but they are a bit thin sounding. Being a dab hand with the soldering iron and hacksaw I managed to get the sound I wanted. Every new mandolin I buy gets the hacksaw treatment.

Whilst I was stationed in Minden, Germany, my band entered into a talent competition and managed to get through the first heats. When the time came to perform in the next stage they said they wanted me to go as a mandolin soloist. I did this with the support of the band and made it to the finals of Hughie Greens Opportunity Knocks, (anybody remember him). This was a Forces talent show and not the UK TV version. However the winner was to fly to UK and appear on the Opportunity Knocks TV show. The winner of course was decided by a clapometer if you remember. The louder you clap, the higher the needle goes. The band that won that night had their whole Regiment of the Black Watch cheering and clapping for them and that was only because the show was held in their home barracks in Hohne, all I had was my three other band members. Still I came second which was pleasing.

Thinking that was the end of that little episode I was quite surprised to get a letter from Thames Television with an invite to appear on their TV show. I was over the moon. Then I got another letter two weeks later telling me that Hughie Green had been given the sack and the show was off. It felt a bit like when my brother jumped on my violin.

Well that's my claim to fame. Perhaps I wouldn't have enjoyed all the drugs and screaming women throwing themselves at me after all. Hang on, perhaps I would.